Announcing the Opening of "Mike's Office Of Homeland Security"
by Michael Moore
June 7, 2002
My fellow Americans,
We live in really, really, scary, scary times. BOO! See, you jumped, didn't you?
I don't blame you. I did too, as I typed it! SCAAARRY TIMES!
Yes, there are thousands of evildoers who are working 24/7 to mess us up.
Well, actually, it may only be a few hundred.
OK, fine. I'll come clean: It's just three guys -- and they go by the names of bin
Bush, al-Ashcroft and Abu Cheney.
Yes, these three have put us all in grave danger. Whether it was their inaction before
September 11th, or their actions since September 11th, they have made this a less-safe
country -- and they are doing their damnedest to destroy our constitution and our
American way of life. They must be stopped. Or at least sent on a very long Carnival
That is why today I am announcing the creation of MIKE'S OFFICE OF HOMELAND SECURITY.
This Office will, each day, issue the necessary warnings to the American people (and
to the other freaked-out inhabitants of this planet) about what precautions and action
you and they will need to take. Though not yet a cabinet-level department (this would
first require removing the squatters at 1600 Penn. Ave.), Mike's Office of Homeland
Security will act as THE one-stop shopping and command center charged with monitoring
the movements of the doers of true evil. This Office will dispatch the forces of
the American Public (the vast majority of whom never elected a single damn one of
the men who now "lead" us) to conquer evil wherever it may be, from DC
to Wall Street to the Republic of Texas.
Let's face it, folks, it's not that these are simply bad men. It's just that now,
with all the recent revelations, it has become sadly evident they are just plain
stupid ("Mr.'President,' we think Osama is going to hijack planes and crash
them into buildings!" Bush: "Hey, I'm on vacation -- send my aides a memo!").
When George W. promised last week to "securitize" the country, who among
us felt really safe (or "safetized")? When General Ashcroft (as the Democratic
senators on the "oversight" panel reverently addressed him recently) spends
our money on expensive drapes to cover up the statue of Lady Justice at the Justice
Department because he does note want to see a stone breast exposed, who among us
feels the cover-up at Justice stops there? When Dick Cheney disappears for long periods
of time, who among us doesn't scream, "PAR-TY!!"
So the CIA knew this, and the FBI knew that. And they did nothing. But THEY will
not be part of Bush's new cabinet department for HIS Office of Homeland Security.
No, of course not! Why have the two of them stinkin' up the room? And what do THEY
have to do with making sure SICKOS DON'T KILL US??!! No, instead, W. is going to
whip the Coast Guard and the fruitfly inspectors at Immigration into shape, those
lazy bastards! No wonder our lives are still in jeopardy -- it's the out-of-control
toll collectors at the Windsor Tunnel in Detroit! Thank God the FBI and the CIA will
be allowed to continue on their own separate paths, kicking the crap outta each other,
and answerable to no one. AS IT SHOULD BE!! I mean, where would we be today (and
how many may have lived) had the FBI not siphoned off the resources of 200 full-time
FBI agents who spent the better part of the late '90s on the Clinton-Lewinsky case
-- investigating the national security crisis of how to get a stain out of a blue
dress! What if they had been doing their REAL job -- like investigating dip-shit
flight training schools in Florida and Texas and SAVING PEOPLE'S LIVES?! What a waste
of time! And still, to this day, not a single apology from any Republicans for that
costly misdirection of police protection. (You see, if I were to go call 9-1-1 right
now and send the cops off to some stupid non-crime scene, I would be arrested. When
the Republicans did it, they got the White House.) Well, enough carpin' about these
losers. Nothing they do will prevent the next attack, sad to say. So, at the very
least, I can offer to help protect our constitution, our civil liberties, and our
precious right to watch football, eat Tostitos, and NOT fall off the couch.
Plus, my Office of Homeland Security will give out prizes! All the Bush Office is
doing is giving out secret warrants to arrest Americans, throw them in secret prisons
and never charge them.
My color codes of various security levels will come in everything from CODE MAUVE
to CODE PERIWINKLE. I will explain the day's "Crisis Situation" and give
you "Your Mission." By turning to Mike's Office of Homeland Security you
may not survive the next terrorist attack, but you will definitely make it to November
2, 2004. And wake up happy on November 3.
By what authority do I establish this Office? Well, I may not be the President, but
they've just told me I've sold more books this year than Harry Potter -- and, dammit,
that should bestow some sort of superpowers on me to protect the rest of us, right?
Thank you. Good night. And God Bless America Except Florida.
Author, Filmmaker, Evildoer Doer
To check in at Mike's Office of Homeland Security or to get your copy of "Stupid
White Men, click here: http://www.michaelmoore.com